What? - Alex
- Doctor: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
- Me: He wishes!
- Doctor: You're trying to have a baby with someone?!?!
- Me: ... *headdesk*
Conversations with my therapist
— Annoying blonde counselor
... - Emery
- Therapist: So what's the problem again?
- Me: I thought that's what YOU were 'sposed to be figuring out..
- Therapist: ...
Boob evaluation? - Emery
- Therapist: So you feel that you're too thin?
- Me: ...were you listening to anything I was just saying?
- Therapist: Not really, it's hard to listen to this day after day...the girls come in and whine about being too fat and tell me how they puke up their meals and honestly it's disturbing, not to mention gross.
- Me: ...
- Therapist: I mean, honey you look fine, and your breasts look great, on the small side but really that's why you don't want to lose anymore weight. You loose your boobs first, imagine if I suddenly decided to go anorexic? I'd have no chest at all!
- Me: Uhm..You know, I was told you were a some sort of specialist.
- Therapist: That's code for 'good at listening to girls complain about their weight.'..
- Me: ...
Seriously? - Emery
- Therapist: You seem nervous, are you okay?
- Me: If I was okay do you think I would be here?
- Therapist: No.
- Me: Well I'm actually fine.
- Therapist: Alright...then why are you shaking?
- Me: I'm not shaking, I'm fidgeting..
- Therapist: Well stop, it makes me nervous.
- Me: Take a pill.
We're all on drugs. - Emery
- Therapist: Do you dream a lot?
- Me: You mean when I sleep?
- Therapist: Yes.
- Me: I don't sleep.
- Therapist: Not at all?
- Me: ..I'm going on 72 hours without.
- Therapist: How is that possible?
- Me: ..I'm going to go with the safe answer and say a whole lot of pills.
- Therapist: That's safe?!?
..the monkey chased the weasle... - Alex
- Therapist: Have you felt like you're the odd one out in your family, like you're the only one that doesn't belong?
- Me: No. I don't think my sister Emery belongs either.
- Therapist: Why not?
- Me: We're the only ones in our family who understand and appreciate Pierre's secret love for David.
I fell down the stairs... - Emery
- Nurse: Are you being harmed or threatened by anyone?
- Me: No.
- Nurse: Are you sure?
- Me: Very sure.
- Nurse: Is that a bruise on your lower arm?
- Me: Yeah...I fell off a roof.
- Nurse: That's new, usually I hear 'I fell down the stairs'
- Me: Yeah, but every one uses that and expects people to believe them...
- Nurse: Mhmmm, are you being harmed or threatened by anyone?
- Me: No.
- Nurse: Are you sure?
“ When you use ‘bad’ words, does it make you feel better?
Annoying brunette therapist
You asked - Alex
- Therapist: "What sort of music do you listen to?"
- Me: "Punk. Sub-punk. Pop-punk. Baby-punk. Alterantive. Alternative metal. Alternative rock. Christian Alternative. Christian rock. Christian hardcore. Christian rap. Electronica. Screamo. Some classical stuff. Reggae. A little bit of dance. Hardcore rock, some Emo-alternative, Japanese rock, ... um, lots of hardcore and sub-punk, did I say sub-punk? I listen to a lot of that...*goes on and on*
- Oh, did you mean what bands? I listen to Simple Plan a lot. Good Charlotte, Blink 182, oh my gosh, I love them, they're like my all-time favorite... besides The Used, I like them a lot too...Um, Mest, Busted, My Chemical Romance, The Movielife, Hurt, Faktion, Snow Patrol, Oasis, Bayside, Aiden, Asteria, Billy Idol, Linkin Park, +44, Nada Surf, Taking Back Sunday, Bush, The Academy Is....*goes on and on*
- Therapist: *dazed* That's interesting...
