July 2009
1 post
What? - Alex
Doctor: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Me: He wishes!
Doctor: You're trying to have a baby with someone?!?!
Me: ... *headdesk*
June 2009
2 posts
... - Emery
Therapist: So what's the problem again?
Me: I thought that's what YOU were 'sposed to be figuring out..
Therapist: ...
Boob evaluation? - Emery
Therapist: So you feel that you're too thin?
Me: ...were you listening to anything I was just saying?
Therapist: Not really, it's hard to listen to this day after day...the girls come in and whine about being too fat and tell me how they puke up their meals and honestly it's disturbing, not to mention gross.
Me: ...
Therapist: I mean, honey you look fine, and your breasts look great, on the small side but really that's why you don't want to lose anymore weight. You loose your boobs first, imagine if I suddenly decided to go anorexic? I'd have no chest at all!
Me: Uhm..You know, I was told you were a some sort of specialist.
Therapist: That's code for 'good at listening to girls complain about their weight.'..
Me: ...
May 2009
5 posts
Seriously? - Emery
Therapist: You seem nervous, are you okay?
Me: If I was okay do you think I would be here?
Therapist: No.
Me: Well I'm actually fine.
Therapist: Alright...then why are you shaking?
Me: I'm not shaking, I'm fidgeting..
Therapist: Well stop, it makes me nervous.
Me: Take a pill.
We're all on drugs. - Emery
Therapist: Do you dream a lot?
Me: You mean when I sleep?
Therapist: Yes.
Me: I don't sleep.
Therapist: Not at all?
Me: ..I'm going on 72 hours without.
Therapist: How is that possible?
Me: ..I'm going to go with the safe answer and say a whole lot of pills.
Therapist: That's safe?!?
..the monkey chased the weasle... - Alex
Therapist: Have you felt like you're the odd one out in your family, like you're the only one that doesn't belong?
Me: No. I don't think my sister Emery belongs either.
Therapist: Why not?
Me: We're the only ones in our family who understand and appreciate Pierre's secret love for David.
I fell down the stairs... - Emery
Nurse: Are you being harmed or threatened by anyone?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Me: Very sure.
Nurse: Is that a bruise on your lower arm?
Me: Yeah...I fell off a roof.
Nurse: That's new, usually I hear 'I fell down the stairs'
Me: Yeah, but every one uses that and expects people to believe them...
Nurse: Mhmmm, are you being harmed or threatened by anyone?
Me: No.
Nurse: Are you sure?
April 2009
10 posts
“When you use ‘bad’ words, does it make you feel better?”
– Annoying brunette therapist
You asked - Alex
Therapist: "What sort of music do you listen to?"
Me: "Punk. Sub-punk. Pop-punk. Baby-punk. Alterantive. Alternative metal. Alternative rock. Christian Alternative. Christian rock. Christian hardcore. Christian rap. Electronica. Screamo. Some classical stuff. Reggae. A little bit of dance. Hardcore rock, some Emo-alternative, Japanese rock, ... um, lots of hardcore and sub-punk, did I say sub-punk? I listen to a lot of that...*goes on and on*
Oh, did you mean what bands? I listen to Simple Plan a lot. Good Charlotte, Blink 182, oh my gosh, I love them, they're like my all-time favorite... besides The Used, I like them a lot too...Um, Mest, Busted, My Chemical Romance, The Movielife, Hurt, Faktion, Snow Patrol, Oasis, Bayside, Aiden, Asteria, Billy Idol, Linkin Park, +44, Nada Surf, Taking Back Sunday, Bush, The Academy Is....*goes on and on*
Therapist: *dazed* That's interesting...
How do you get to conclusions? You jump. - Emery
Therapist: So, do you smoke?
Me: Sometimes.
Therapist: Where do you get the cigarettes?
Me: My dad is shit at hiding things.
Therapist: So you steal his cigarettes?
Me: He's supposed to be quitting, so really I'm doing him a favor.
Therapist: Does he know you know where he hides them?
Me: I think if he did he would stop hiding them there, don't you?
Therapist: I'd have to say yes.
Me: Unless, he like, wants me to smoke...it's not as bad as some of the things I COULD be doing.
Therapist: Like what?
Me: Oh I don't know, running around having sex with random people maybe.
Therapist: Do you think about doing that?
Me: No.
Therapist: Then why did you say it?
Me: I don't know.
Therapist: Are you sexually active?
Me: That's personal.
Therapist: I'm your therapist, we're supposed to have a personal relationship.
Me: We're supposed to have a professional doctor/patient relationship.
Therapist: Isn't that what we have?
Me: Not when you ask me those sorts of questions, then we have a prying relationship.
Therapist: ...*scribbles on pad*
2 tags
Stalkers Beware - Emery
Therapist: So you do a lot of stuff online?
Me: Yeah, I blog and whatever.
Therapist: Do you ever give out your name/location
Me: I don't know, it depends. I'm not stupid about it.
Therapist: Aren't you afraid of being stalked?
Me: My dad has guns...
Do you experience racing thoughts? - Alex
Therapist: So you're a lot more violent than most of your family members.
Me: I guess. Sometimes.
Therapist: Why do you think that is? Can you describe how you feel when you want to hurt someone?
Me: Um. They just annoy me. And I... lose it.
Therapist: But how do you feel inside when that happens?
Me: Angry?
Therapist: Do your thoughts speed up?
Me: ...yeah. At times they do...
Therapist: What are those thoughts that go through your mind?
Me: Pierre loves David but David loves Chuck.
I feel Fantastic by Jonathan Coulton
Emery:...
You can always tell from a first session - Emery
Curly haired brunette therapist: So, tell me about yourself...
Me: Uhm, where do I start?
Therapist: At the beginning, of course.
Me: Okay, I was born in November, right on time, I'm the only kid in my family to be born on the due date. My dad tells me that story whenever I'm sick or hurt, how I was born right on time. When I was 1 we moved from Connecticut to Pennsylvania...that was a tough transition for me, I really missed my homestate and--
Therapist: How about we start at the beginning of your illness
Me: What illness?
Therapist: You father talked to me and-
Me: He's a chronic liar.
Therapist: Really? Your father is?
Me: Yes, did you see his insurance card? like, actually set eyes on it?
Therapist: *unsure* No...
Me: Well?
Therapist: I'll be right back, don't go anywhere.
1 tag
Seeing what isn't there - Alex
Therapist: Your parents are concerned about you, are you bothered at all by this or do you sort of like the attention?
Me: ...
Therapist: You sort of like it a little?
Me: Hey! Don't write that down, I never said that!
“I have seen and heard it all, there is nothing you can tell me that will either...”
– Annoying blonde counselor
2 tags
Behind closed doors...
Teens have issues.
Some bigger than others, but all of them need to be dealt with.
Usually the answer to dealing with these issues is, you guessed it, therapy.
Over the years my sister and I have gone through too many doctors, therapists & ‘church counselors’ to count. While the confidentiality agreement was fantastic at the time…some of the conversations that took place...